Domestic Violence Awareness Month - You're Not Alone

As time goes by, I realize I'm not alone in what I went through. I realize I'm not the only one who once loved an abusive person. I'm not the only survivor.

I am not alone.

I'm not alone.

I'm not the only one.

I'm not the only one with distant memories I can mask but never forget. I'm not the only one with ghosts from the past that still waft in and out of reality in the form of sounds, smells, and the occasional nightmare.

I'm not the only one who's been kicked against a wall and spit on. I'm not the only one who's made excuses about cuts, scrapes, and bruises. I'm not the only one who's sought comfort from the same person who smashed my head against the furniture. I'm not the only one who grew accustomed to being shut out of my own house as punishment.

It's nice out here. I'd rather be outside anyway.

I'm not the only one who's had to erase pieces of myself, who's had to close social media accounts and open new ones. I'm not the only one who's been forced to change my phone number, license plate, vehicle, and address to stay safe, peaceful, and sane.

I'm not the only one who's lost my temper with a bill collector because the funds I owed were spent without my consent. I'm not the only one who's lost my temper with a lawyer for saying "there's no way to prove it."

I'm not the only one who's been too afraid to sleep. I'm not the only one who'd been too angry to sleep. I'm not the only one who's been too worried to sleep. I'm not the only one who's risen from a sleepless night with a wish for vengeance. I'm not the only one who's overfilled my calendar to distract myself from my anger.

If I'm too busy to feel this way, maybe I'll be tired enough to sleep?

I'm not the only one who's been doubted. I'm not the only one who's been told I "just want attention." I'm not the only one who's been told "he wasn't even like that". I'm not the only one who's been told to "just go to counseling". I'm not the only one who's broken down in my counselor's chair, unable to stop seething in anger with no foreseeable outlet.

Why do I feel like I could demolish a building with my bare hands and still have a world of anger inside me?

It was too easy to feel alone when no one wanted to listen, and those who did listen only seemed to doubt or disregard me. Sadly, I'm not the only one who's been doubted this way.

I'm not the only one who's been doubted, and I'm also not the only one who wouldn't shut up.

I didn't shut up. And then, when I needed it most, I was heard.

I was lucky enough to work with a lawyer who's assistant had once been in my shoes. I was lucky enough to be able to seek justice for even the smallest fraction of what I went through. And I'm damn lucky to have done it all without my abuser in the courtroom.

I was lucky enough to be paired with a judge who had a history of disliking deadbeat men. I was lucky enough to have sought the smallest amount of vengeance when a legal loophole allowed a large piece of debt to be reassigned to my abuser.

Not everyone has been this lucky. Not everyone knows there are others who have been there. Not everyone knows how productive it can be to actually talk about it.

I've been open enough to have known victims and fellow survivors reach out to me as a confidant, who have been relieved to know that they can. I've been open enough to be the "friend who's been through that" and who isn't afraid to talk about it.

I've been lucky enough to earn back my self-worth and rebuild my confidence even after what I've been through. I've been lucky enough to find outlets for my anger that focus on progression instead of vengeance.

I'm still angry though. I wish it never happened. It should never have happened.

I still feel alone sometimes...

I know I'm not only one who still gets too angry to sleep. I know I'm not the only one who cowers when I hear my abuser's name or when I see a look-alike across a crowded room.

I know I'm not the only one who's stomach boils with anxiety every time I hear a Chili Peppers song. I know I'm not the only one who panics whenever I hear a man call a woman a bitch. I know I'm not the only one who wants to intervene when a friend tells me their partner is "only like this because their family was cruel to them."

It's easy to feel alone, but I can't feel alone. I'm not alone. I'm not the only one.

I'm not the only one

You're not the only one.

Know that you're not the only one.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.